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Apr 11living in freedom rather than fear
Mumsy was in town this past weekend to celebrate my 32nd birthday. It was also her first visit to Portland, which gave us an excuse to shuttle about and visit some of the places I have been meaning to see. Squeaky cheese at the Tillamook factory! Less popular but still impressive waterfalls near Multnomah Falls! Dining at Farm Café! I also shared a few of my favorite places – SCRAP reuse center, Powell’s Bookstore, and Redbird Studio. It was a wonderfully exciting four days.
The thing about mothers is that I find it difficult to be around mine for more than a couple of days in a row. This isn’t a secret; Mumsy and I talk about this all the time. I have the utmost respect for my mother, and think she is an interesting and thoughtful person. She goes out of her way to be generous to those in her life, and she maintains a lifestyle that is inspiring and good. Despite all these qualities, there’s something about spending time together all of a sudden that pushes all of our buttons – on both sides. My direct style of communication makes my mom feel constantly criticized, and several of her under-the-radar habits drive me up the wall until I can’t help but say something that seems snarky. It’s a black cycle, and one about which I am ashamed to write. There’s a 48 hour window in the beginning of every visit where everything is great and we laugh constantly and have tons of fun, and then something in me breaks and I start being mean and short-tempered. Why do we do destructive things to people we love? I hate that.
Some conversations Mumsy and I had on this recent visit brought things to light for me. We were talking about my insistence on breaking rules, and the fact that both she and Ali tend to be rule-keepers. Here’s the rub – it drives me nuts when someone insists on following rules I think are stupid. I know this is a fault of mine, to find fault with people who don’t question norms. My philosophy is to follow rules when they make sense, or they were made by someone I know and trust to be a good gatekeeper. I am also strict about following rules when the act of NOT following that rule or social more causes others potential harm or inconvenience (such as not pulling all the way into an intersection when you’re trying to turn left on a busy street because you might get stuck out there and block the other way traffic when it’s their turn to go). But if someone expects me to follow a pattern that makes no sense to me, with vague justification about order in society or with the reasoning “that’s how we’ve always done it” my response is to get rebellious and sullen and blame them for a lack of creativity. How can you blame someone for having no imagination? That’s just unfair, Rachel.
When I try to figure out why I am such a rule-breaker, the philosophy that comes to mind is that I want to live in freedom rather than fear.
I believe freedom and fear are opposites, and one leaves no room for the other, similar to the relationship to darkness when you light a candle. (Even as I write this statement, I realize how oversimplifying it sounds.) I know things aren’t black and white but often shades of gray… in the end, the simplified idea that freedom chases away fear gives hope and light to my soul.
Back to Mumsy. As we were driving back from the Oregon Coast, I realized I needed to make a phone call. Pulling off the highway into a charming residential area, a flipped a U in a quiet cul de sac. No cars or pedestrians in sight, I pulled over to the curb that was clearly labeled NO PARKING FIRE LANE in order to make my call. My mom, pointing to the signs, questioned why I would park when a sign said NO PARKING. In 20/20 retrospect, I should have simply explained to her that I made that choice since we would not be exiting the vehicle and the stop was quite temporary. Instead, I got aggravated and sighed/ rolled my eyes/ made some snarky comment (note to self: an unnecessary and unproductive choice). Ah, hindsight 20/20.
I like this example because it clearly illustrates the rule-breaking versus rule-keeping dichotomy. While I made a choice that was technically illegal (depending on how you define “parking”) the chances of my action causing harm to others seemed nul and therefore the convenience factor outweighed sign-following.
I enter into a situation like this taking full responsibility for potential consequences* – what if a police officer drove by right then and wrote me a ticket? I’d pretty much have to pay it. And I would know that I earned that ticket, fair and square. What if there was a sudden fire and a fire truck needed to use the space? Plenty of time to move the car, and if my car broke down there was other space in the area for firetrucks to park.
The caveat to this cavalier attitude about rules I deem breakable is this – I am forced to acknowledge that I don’t know everything. Sad, but true. Some rules exist for our own safety and protection that might not be obvious or seem rational. I choose to have faith in some things I don’t understand. My point in acknowledging this is that I don’t want to appear completely self-absorbed or a person who chooses to follow only rules I deem applicable. I abhor the whole entitlement / “I’m the exception” mentality I see in some people.
* There’s probably some deep parallel in this to the way I view sin and salvation and evil and justice, but I only sat down to write about why I choose to live in freedom rather than fear. I’ll leave it at that for today.
Are you a rule breaker or a rule keeper? Why?
April 27th, 2011 at 8:47 pm
I’m a rule breaker. That’s why I wished you a happy birthday on Ali’s wall.
April 28th, 2011 at 5:48 am
Aw man. I thought I was a rule follower, but it turns out I’m a rule breaker. I use the same logic as you.
And stupid senseless rules make me stabby. Which I totally ranted about on my blog just a few days ago.
April 28th, 2011 at 8:23 am
i am a rule follower, but this dichotomy implies that i am afraid and can’t think for myself. we tend to get a bad rap because ‘following’ isn’t sexy enough.
i also enjoy that so many of those you surround yourself with are rule followers.
April 28th, 2011 at 2:21 pm
I’m probably more of a rule follower, although I have my moments and it doesn’t bother me if others break the rules (so long as it’s not inconveniencing/dangerous).
Questions a rule-follower might have: do rule breakers break rules just to prove that rules don’t control them? Or do they do it because it’s easier than following the rules? Are either legitimate reasons to break rules?
April 28th, 2011 at 7:24 pm
Humph! And thank you again Maria and also Rachel B. It is not logical to say that if you are a rule keeper you live in fear. That just isn’t necessarily true.
And for the record, it is just as annoying to be around a rule breaker…like stopping the car on a mountain in the middle of the road to casually take pictures and wondering why Mumsy is hyperventilating or screaming. That is illegal – and dangerous – even if you can see that car coming around the corner (probably too fast) and are SURE can get out of their way.
That said, I for one had a fabulous time.
But be aware that trips to see Rachel are not for the faint hearted! So there you go – obviously I am not fear-based even if I was a rule keeper or I would never get in a car with my lovely rule breaking daughter!
April 29th, 2011 at 9:09 pm
Thanks for all the comments, questions, and observations. I’m really enjoying this discussion.
April 30th, 2011 at 8:17 am
PS Without rules, there IS no freedom – only chaos. If there were no rules of the road, everyone would be running into each other. If there were no rules for society – there would be no law, no courts, no jails – just a free for all. Terror would reign everywhere – we know this from what is going on in some countries around the world now.
Freedom is not the right to do what we want, but what we ought. Let us have faith that right makes might and in that faith let us; to the end, dare to do our duty as we understand it.
Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865) Politician. President of the United States.
Free will is not the liberty to do whatever one likes, but the power of doing whatever one sees ought to be done, even in the very face of otherwise overwhelming impulse. There lies freedom, indeed.
Unknown Source
The greatest blessing of our democracy is freedom. But in the last analysis, our only freedom is the freedom to discipline ourselves.
Bernard M. Baruch (1870-1965) American financier, and political consultant.
Only law can give us freedom.
Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe (1749-1832) German poet, novelist and dramatist.
April 30th, 2011 at 9:14 pm
So you’re the idiot I’m always behind who refuses to pull forward into the intersection of a busy street from the left turn lane on green, but passively, tryingly waits for the arrow?
I never knew what was going on in that person’s head; thank you for the glimpse inside.
As for the pull-forward approach, it allows another 1-2 cars to get through, and time and progress are so precious during rush hour.
I was taught to do that because it intentionally blocks the intersection. Other cars cannot (=should not) advance until the intersection is clear. As for the hazard part of it, if someone is STUPID enough to slam forward into me — from a full stop on red — in the middle of a busy intersection while I wait to make my turn, they will get what they deserve: my guts splattered ALL over them. And I can make quite a mess.
May 3rd, 2011 at 11:51 am
The urge to break rules that limit freedom is called reactance.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reactance_(psychology)
Reactance might feel like freedom, but really it’s just the fear of losing your freedom.
You say you like freedom and creativity, but have you even considered what creativity looks like in traffic? Traffic puts huge limits on your freedom, as it should, so creativity in traffic takes effort. For example, what if you made driving into a game? Follow the laws (the rules of the game), stay safe, and keep traffic flowing, and all the while improve your skills. Challenge yourself. Can you unjam a traffic jam by yourself? Can you let that guy who’s been stuck there forever pull out in front of you without anyone honking? Can you stay cool when someone threatens your safety or just your pride? Can you fix that stupid driving mistake you’ve made the last two times you were in a particular situation? Can you drive as smoothly as a chauffeur? Imagination applied to traffic. Parking in the fire lane, not so much.
Most things in life don’t have much to do with rules, but with wisdom. When we are aware of reactance, wisdom can give us the freedom to consider our bias and ignorance. It can give us the freedom to know that there are other things as important as our freedom, like respect for the freedoms of our fellow citizens, including those in positions of authority.
And if you still really dislike a law, you have the freedom to creatively convince your legislator.
May 3rd, 2011 at 12:08 pm
Todd, pulling out into the intersection to turn left is legal and usually encouraged, so it has nothing to do with rule-following. There are still other things to consider. For example,
http://www.lvrj.com/news/12544616.html
Summary: it’s more idiotic for some inexperienced drivers to pull out than not.
A little benefit-of-the-doubt can go a long way toward saving your sanity.
May 10th, 2011 at 10:42 pm
[...] comment from my friend Stephen who had some interesting thoughts to add to the already-interesting Freedom / Fear / Rules discussion posted on April 27. He also linked to this article about the ol’ pulling into an intersection [...]
July 15th, 2011 at 12:03 pm
you said, “How can you blame someone for having no imagination? That’s just unfair, Rachel.”
which implies that people who follow rules, or who are inclined to follow most rules…have no imagination…which is also not a particularly fair statement.
people exhibit their fear or lack thereof and imagination or lack thereof in a multitude of different ways. i’m sure some could even make a case for peoples’ rejection of rules as being motivated by fear.
agreed, though…this is an interesting discussion.
August 14th, 2011 at 10:43 pm
[...] very least have heard a heartbeat via ultrasound (week 8? 10?). The reason for the secrecy is 100% fear-based, due to the chance of miscarriage (reportedly 15% in the first trimester – higher if [...]