Mumsy was in town this past weekend to celebrate my 32nd birthday. It was also her first visit to Portland, which gave us an excuse to shuttle about and visit some of the places I have been meaning to see. Squeaky cheese at the Tillamook factory! Less popular but still impressive waterfalls near Multnomah Falls! Dining at Farm Café! I also shared a few of my favorite places – SCRAP reuse center, Powell’s Bookstore, and Redbird Studio. It was a wonderfully exciting four days.
The thing about mothers is that I find it difficult to be around mine for more than a couple of days in a row. This isn’t a secret; Mumsy and I talk about this all the time. I have the utmost respect for my mother, and think she is an interesting and thoughtful person. She goes out of her way to be generous to those in her life, and she maintains a lifestyle that is inspiring and good. Despite all these qualities, there’s something about spending time together all of a sudden that pushes all of our buttons – on both sides. My direct style of communication makes my mom feel constantly criticized, and several of her under-the-radar habits drive me up the wall until I can’t help but say something that seems snarky. It’s a black cycle, and one about which I am ashamed to write. There’s a 48 hour window in the beginning of every visit where everything is great and we laugh constantly and have tons of fun, and then something in me breaks and I start being mean and short-tempered. Why do we do destructive things to people we love? I hate that.
Some conversations Mumsy and I had on this recent visit brought things to light for me. We were talking about my insistence on breaking rules, and the fact that both she and Ali tend to be rule-keepers. Here’s the rub – it drives me nuts when someone insists on following rules I think are stupid. I know this is a fault of mine, to find fault with people who don’t question norms. My philosophy is to follow rules when they make sense, or they were made by someone I know and trust to be a good gatekeeper. I am also strict about following rules when the act of NOT following that rule or social more causes others potential harm or inconvenience (such as not pulling all the way into an intersection when you’re trying to turn left on a busy street because you might get stuck out there and block the other way traffic when it’s their turn to go). But if someone expects me to follow a pattern that makes no sense to me, with vague justification about order in society or with the reasoning “that’s how we’ve always done it” my response is to get rebellious and sullen and blame them for a lack of creativity. How can you blame someone for having no imagination? That’s just unfair, Rachel.
When I try to figure out why I am such a rule-breaker, the philosophy that comes to mind is that I want to live in freedom rather than fear.
I believe freedom and fear are opposites, and one leaves no room for the other, similar to the relationship to darkness when you light a candle. (Even as I write this statement, I realize how oversimplifying it sounds.) I know things aren’t black and white but often shades of gray… in the end, the simplified idea that freedom chases away fear gives hope and light to my soul.
Back to Mumsy. As we were driving back from the Oregon Coast, I realized I needed to make a phone call. Pulling off the highway into a charming residential area, a flipped a U in a quiet cul de sac. No cars or pedestrians in sight, I pulled over to the curb that was clearly labeled NO PARKING FIRE LANE in order to make my call. My mom, pointing to the signs, questioned why I would park when a sign said NO PARKING. In 20/20 retrospect, I should have simply explained to her that I made that choice since we would not be exiting the vehicle and the stop was quite temporary. Instead, I got aggravated and sighed/ rolled my eyes/ made some snarky comment (note to self: an unnecessary and unproductive choice). Ah, hindsight 20/20.
I like this example because it clearly illustrates the rule-breaking versus rule-keeping dichotomy. While I made a choice that was technically illegal (depending on how you define “parking”) the chances of my action causing harm to others seemed nul and therefore the convenience factor outweighed sign-following.
I enter into a situation like this taking full responsibility for potential consequences* – what if a police officer drove by right then and wrote me a ticket? I’d pretty much have to pay it. And I would know that I earned that ticket, fair and square. What if there was a sudden fire and a fire truck needed to use the space? Plenty of time to move the car, and if my car broke down there was other space in the area for firetrucks to park.
The caveat to this cavalier attitude about rules I deem breakable is this – I am forced to acknowledge that I don’t know everything. Sad, but true. Some rules exist for our own safety and protection that might not be obvious or seem rational. I choose to have faith in some things I don’t understand. My point in acknowledging this is that I don’t want to appear completely self-absorbed or a person who chooses to follow only rules I deem applicable. I abhor the whole entitlement / “I’m the exception” mentality I see in some people.
* There’s probably some deep parallel in this to the way I view sin and salvation and evil and justice, but I only sat down to write about why I choose to live in freedom rather than fear. I’ll leave it at that for today.
Are you a rule breaker or a rule keeper? Why?
